I can be blunt and a lot of people don’t like that, seriously, it’s a fact that most people avoid me, unless they want honesty. I call it how I see it, and I try to see the whole situation, not just one person’s view. I don’t sugar coat things, so people when they ask me what I think, I ask them ‘Are you really sure, you want me to tell you what I think.’
And if they say ‘Yes, I don’t want to be told what I want to hear.’ Then I tell them. They still don’t like it, but I remind them that they wanted it. I can be a little sarcastic with the super sensitive flowers, but I will also stand up for you, I will have your back, and I am usually not easily offended.
That, being said today is me being blunt to myself. If I came to me with my problem I’d smack me across the head and say, ‘Pull yourself together, you’re made off better stuff.’ ‘C’mon, girl, you’ve gone through worse, what’s the deal?’
I have a statue that I found. I’ve had it for years, but until I got my own place and was no longer couch surfing, it stayed packed away, to the point I forgot about it. It’s of a warrior princess, seated on a throne, an eagle perched behind her, a sword in her hand.
It reminded me that I’m a fighter. I’ve been to hell and back, and survived, when I should’ve died many times over. A warrior doesn’t just fight – he / she fights for what is right, especially when their back is against the wall, but more importantly, a warrior sacrifices for the better good and has honour, integrity, wisdom and courage. This statue reminded me that I have those qualities.
I was reminded that I am a warrior, and as a warrior, it’s time to enter the fight, but first I needed a good dressing down.
So, this is your chance to hit the exit button, or continue to read, if you want to get to know me a bit better.
Wow, you chose to continue to read on.
Long story short – maybe. My childhood was filled with violence thanks to an alcoholic father and mother who didn’t want to know. I wouldn’t wish what happened on my worst enemy, but it affected me, and I took what I learned into my adulthood and the guys I met were abusive. Big surprise, right! The thing is violence was my normal, I didn’t know nice.
About 12 years ago, I walked out of a Domestic Violence situation and I spent that time in hiding, as much as I could. The first several years was very much, trying to undo the mental scripts, that were planted in my brain from my childhood, and then retold in my adulthood, and trying to figure out who I was.
A few years ago, I started to join society again and started trying social media. The aim was really to keep me positive, I had no idea that people would start following me – first thoughts were what was wrong with these people? Why is anyone following me?
But then I found some people that were posting stuff that resonated with me, positive stuff that helped keep me on track. Stuff that spoke to me. Then I realised that I found it hard to interact with them – that was and is still a huge challenge for me. But I’m slowly conquering that.
I shut down my emotions many years ago, but this last year I connected with someone who started to help me to understand emotions, and I began to allow myself to feel. I couldn’t and still can’t name some of them, some I kinda like, but there are some I just don’t like – why do emotions hurt? That just plain sucks.
So, I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster, trying to figure the whole emotion deal out when 7 weeks ago, I can’t believe it’s been that long, but I came crashing down. Big time. Splat. Hit a brick wall, and didn’t know what to do, how to cope or how to ask for help. I felt I was on my own.
7 weeks ago, my step-father died suddenly. We’re still waiting for the coroner’s report to find out if it was the clot or the operation that killed him. But 7 weeks ago, it went like this.
Monday – He said that he was going to help me. He had been trying to show me what a real father was like, and how they should behave. Anyway, he said that he was going to give me $5000 to clear up the debts, that I had so that I could start fresh. And he said that he was going to give me $10000, so that I could get a matching grant from the government to start my business, and then give him the 10k back, and I’d have 10k to start with.
Total win -win. So excited.
Tuesday – Had a coffee with him. The money had come through, and so we arranged to meet Wednesday morning to do the transfer. Two hours later, I’m calling an ambulance, I’m trying to keep him alive. It was a massive clot in the main artery of the neck, which was operated on. Tuesday night he takes a turn for the worse. Two hours and my happiness got slapped out of me.
Wednesday – We turn off his life support. Somehow, it’s my fault he died and then my character was trashed. But now I can feel, and I felt a lot of pain at these accusations, which weren’t true, and they hurt. Boy did they hurt. I did everything I could and yet people are saying that I didn’t do enough – that sucked.
And everything inside of me wanted to react. Wanted to deny what was said, but that was the old me. The new me thought they are acting out of guilt for not being there, for not seeing him for over a month, it didn’t help, I didn’t understand why what was said hurt so much.
So, the last 7 weeks I’ve done a lot of soul searching. 7 weeks of no extra financial support, as step-father was supporting me, 7 weeks of watching the bills increase.
What did I learn?
I learnt a lot during this time. In, no particular order, I learnt:
I learnt a lot during this time. In, no particular order, I learnt:
- People show their true personalities when someone dies – oh boy, did, and are they showing their personalities, and it was and is quite ugly..
- I found out who my friends were during this time. I knew who had my back, and who didn’t.
- Make sure you have a Will, and make sure your family knows what you want, have at least two copies – one lodged with a lawyer, in case one copy goes missing. Some people copy theirs, and give a copy to each person that is going to benefit.
- Grief is interesting – especially if you are on the receiving end of someone’s anger.
- I really needed support, especially when being vilified during this.
- It’s during times like this my past scripts suddenly revived themselves, and it took a lot to put them where they belong, back in the trash.
- I relied on those who posted stuff on social media. I valued the messages they wrote – the positivity and the encouragement really helped, even though they didn’t know it.
- I re-evaluated myself. Who am I? What do I want?
What is holding me back? What are my fears?
Besides money – unfortunately bills need to be paid, and most things have a price attached. Money is a necessity in this world, it’s a bit hard to live without it.
I realise that I have a few fears:
Fear of success – I don’t have a fear of failure. I know failure quite well, sometimes I manage to fail so spectacularly, it surprises and impresses me at the same time. But success, I have no idea what that looks like.
I’m thinking, that we’re conditioned to seeing someone who has massive yachts, or multi-million-dollar houses, with huge bank balances is successful. But, maybe, success is much simpler.
For me, I can’t put a dollar figure on it, but I’d like to have plenty of money to pay my bills on time, have my house freehold, have a new ute, and be able to be generous to other people. To have peace and be able to enjoy my work. At the moment that looks like about $1500 a week, so if I was getting $2000 a week doing what I love to do – technically I’d be successful.
Starting point – list all my debts that are overdue, cry, and then find some solution to start dealing with the mess, so I can contact them.
Fear of disappointment – I’ve lost count of the number of times, that I think something is going to work out, only to have it fall at the last moment, and I end up disappointed. It’s a good thing quitting is not in my vocabulary, but dealing with disappointment is painful – literally.
Starting point – start to think differently – that I’m not failing, but finding ways to not do something and to rely on me, more than anyone else’s promise. That being said – I’m not good at receiving – so, maybe, I should start learning how to receive – if someone says something nice accept it as true, not question it. If someone offers something, accept it and not think – that there’s a catch to it.
Fear of what if? – What if I screw up again? What if I can’t compete against the major players? What if people don’t like what I say or do? What if? What if?
Smack across the head, girl – these are past scripts coming out in a different form.
Starting point – unless I know the person, they aren’t going to know who I am, if I pass them on the street. Fact is people are going to criticise me, whether I do something, or don’t do something. Think about what if I succeed – Wow – finally financial freedom, bills paid, able to buy what I want without worrying about the price, being able to be generous, build that refuge I want for those from Domestic Violence to learn who they are, and to learn basic life skills and self-belief that has been stripped away. Success will answer my critics.
Who am I?
I am a fighter. I am a warrior. It’s time for me to rise up and claim that. I am unique, I am not like everyone else. I am human and feel emotions, but even though I see emotions as being weak, I feel stronger having them.
I am and I value in others honesty, empathy, integrity, patience, fairness, acceptance, persistence and encouragement. I call it how I see it but I will stand by your side and stand up for you.
I am creative and will find a way to start, grow and build my business.
Those who have helped me, especially through this challenging time:
Andy and Kerri Stonehill
And last but not least –